Uniting the Golden Man and Golden Woman

What ever happened to equality, reciprocity, and authenticity?

“Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others”— Jesus in Matthew 5:15-16

Let your inner light shine! But how can your inner light illuminate when there is no one to see and no one with whom share your light? This is especially true of men and women in a post-modern, “meta” age. a

Cartoonish caricatures of hypergamous women looking for the top 1% “high value” man flood the internet, along with and lone wolf “red pilled” men opting out of connection with women, tired of the materialism, strident demands, and lack of sex in post-modern coupling… And many are either falling for materialist delusions or have given up in despair of ever finding an inspired healthy partner… you know, the one interested in intimacy, sharing adventure, mutual learning, self-discovery, virtue, spirituality, and deeper life purpose.

Why would we EVER allow ourselves to be sucked into a mental ecosystem that 1) tells us who we are (reinforces INAUTHENTICITY), 2) propagandizes us to seek personal, material ADVANTAGE over devoted service and deeper spiritual growth, and 3) promotes a “battle of the sexes” INEQUALITY.

Enough is enough. Let’s wake the heck up! The sicker you are, the more dissatisfied, outraged, hopeless, the more money and clicks THEY get. WITHDRAW your attention from this bot-driven psychotic world, re-discover your deeper loves, and find other people who are doing the same to “share your light” (and your journey) with.

Too much emphasis has been placed on the negative or what “not to do,” so I am going to jump straight into how we might create the alternative, and what new values and practices we might insist upon as we go forward past this idiotic madness now passing as “normal” relationships between men and women.

Learn from each other

Post-modern couples get so wrapped in accomplishing their own personal “dreams,” that the notion of taking time to stop, look into, and listen to the other person in a relationship is lost. Between professional ambition and taking the kids to school, who has time? You do, if you care about your deeper and higher self and that of your partner, friends, community members, and children. In fact, one of the best ways to stay young and feel a kindling of respect and interest from a relationship partner is simply to take the time to find out about them and learn from them.

Rather than having typical conversation devolve into a list of barely-conscious (and boring) organizational tasks and “How was your day honey?”, why not instead have honest to goodness talks of deeper intuitions, purposes, humor, discovery. “How has your appreciation of life deepened lately? Can you share an instance that broke you out of the headlong rush to “get things done” and simply felt a joy or experienced an atypical thought that brought you into a more intimate and appreciative engagement with life?” Share!

Glory in the well-being and loves of the other, and be compassionate toward suffering

In many ways, we all remain kids at heart for good and for ill. We are those excited can’t-wait-to-get-up-on-Christmas-day spirits when we get a great new job, and we get sad and glum when we lose one… or we lose a parent to death, or sometimes we just feel an unspecified anxiety or sadness. In this, simple things work. I remember clearly communicating to my second wife, that there are times when I feel kind of down, and really all I need in such instances is a face-to-face long hug and relaxed breathing together. For some reason she could or would not provide it, even with prompting. I shared my passions, like my poetry, and she expressed marginal interest.

I think some people simply have learned to avoid all pain and discomfort, even for those they supposedly love. I think many of us have been trained to disregard the deeper passions of others, because we don’t take the time to listen to them as a way of finding out and cherishing the deeper aspects of your loved one. So many are so deeply enthralled in their own individual dreams, that they fail to take heart (and support) in the dreams of ones they supposedly love.

Perhaps this is a leftover from adolescence, in which those that love you the most (i.e. parents), are those to be ignored the most and taken for granted. Let us not surrender to that blindness and indifference! To love another is to glory in their well-being and to take deep interest in their deeper spiritual vocation as well as their day-to-day ups and downs.

Work for others— labor of love

In a good relationship, deeper calling is revealed. Perhaps one partner is tired of the corporate grind or feels a need to switch professions, take a break, or simply reassess what they want for themselves. So many of us have been routed into “what we are good at” vocations or “what others want for us” that we have not taken the time to accurately assess WHO we are and WHAT we more nearly and dearly want to offer the world. Vocational reassessment, change, and development may have been put off in the rush to pay the mortgage and raise kids or simply go on a bunch of engrossing adventures that delayed consideration of deeper professional work or passionate hobbies.

I believe each one of us has a nowhere-else-in-the-universe “divine genius.” Rarely is this understood and pursued from the beginning. Usually it emerges over time as an insistent beckoning inside the heart and soul. For me, this calling is spiritual education. I mentioned spiritual education as my calling to my first wife after she asked me to “settle on SOMETHING,” but she immediately followed my heartfelt confession with, “Well, I really think you should do regular education… You are more qualified, and you need to build up your foundation, etc.” What would it have hurt to simply have asked, “What do you mean by spiritual education, and why are you drawn to it? How deep and how serious is this labor of love for you? Do you get excited about it? Why?”

I have been able to support my spouses in their dreams and effectively work for their success. Why not have the reciprocal honor granted me? Living overseas and being a “trailing spouse” (and being a stay-at-home dad with some consulting gigs on the side) helped my first wife climb into her chosen field of microfinance. Spearheading the development of an online business and helping to negotiate contracts helped my second wife triple her salary.

I simply wanted the same consideration and practical, successful support. I didn’t get it. I think too many times, whether it is the man or woman, that one is expected to take the supporting role and the other takes that as license to develop their own professional aspirations.

This regard for each other’s divine genius should be mutual and equal, ESPECIALLY on the level of appreciation for what someone does for you, as well as discussing and supporting longer-term plans with the emphasis on the other person’s vocational, educational, and spiritual development.

Steward with others

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.— Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Not only are we stewards of our children’s future both in terms of character and possibility but also of the world our children will inherit. Every action should be taken with a full eye and heart toward the good of all. It is simply NOT true that you can gain an advantage for yourself or your family at the expense of others. No harm to others is required to reach benefit for yourself and those closest to you.

This maxim is also true when it comes to arguments, fights, and discontent between partners. There is a potential collaboration at the root of every disagreement. The active steward recognizes the wound in themselves that gives rise to antipathy to another. And even if the cause of the spat is the wound in another, than a responsible steward recognizes that, and does not take it personally.

It is a fine line between empathy and enablement— in being compassionate, but choosing not to lift, erase, or ignore the pain as it arises in conflict. Find common ground, and work from there. This happened for Jimmy Carter as the Camp David Accords were basically failing and Anwar Sadat was leaving the room. If the stories are true, Jimmy Carter apparently blocked the exit with his body and was able to secure agreement by focusing upon the children of the three men engaged in negotiation.

Give to others, attend to your heart

No one likes being taken advantage of. The accounts of people giving and giving to one they love, only to have that giving abused by selfish entitlement, are all too common. Therefore, intelligent, discerning giving is a must. In spiritual and moral giving, one give for the spirit of giving, NOT to get. However, DISCERNING giving means not enabling another persons to simply TAKE and feast on your giving. There is a current disease in late post-modern Western culture, in particular, where there is no understanding of the vast difference between appreciative RECEIVING of the attention and love of another and entitled TAKING. The latter includes the selfish and vain motivation of garnering attention (on social media, etc.) at the EXPENSE of actual giving and sharing of oneself.

It is my advice that we simply find people who can appreciate fine giving, and avoid those who would simply use us for their own self-aggrandizement. This will require patience. Especially in the dating arena, there is so much emphasis on “not settling for less than I can GET”, that other people are simply treated as commodities and not as human beings. If human beings could be more like dogs, where there is great joy in both giving and receiving, we would all be better off.

There are people you come into contact that ‘freeze’ you, you cannot think, things do not ‘go,’ everything feels tight and mean; you come into the zone of other people or dogs!] and all those bands disappear, you are surprised at how clearly you think, everything seems to ‘go’ better. You take a deep breath and say, ‘Why I feel quite different; what has happened?’ The one personality brought an atmosphere that froze the heart not only physically but psychically; kept it cold, kept it down, kept it back; the other personality gave the heart a chance to expand and develop and surge throughout the whole body.— Oswald Chambers, The Complete Works, p. 167.

Share with others— Don’t hide your light under a basket

Real human and spiritual need should never be treated as an obligation or a burden. We all need each other in order to be spiritual and human. If you have a sincere and deep need, what is it that prevents me from recognizing that, ESPECIALLY if it is to support who you are and what you want to do with your life at its deepest, most sacred level.

How many times have you seen people being talked out of their deep passions, talents, and desires in life because it’s “not realistic.” Far too many. Who cares if it is not conventional! Be excited for them, AND at least help them get the passable day job to support themselves financially AS they develop their deeper calling. Don’t “rain on their parade”. They are SHARING something important. Share back! Give resources, support, mentoring, your own connections and knowledge, to help them succeed… or at least FIND OUT if they really want to go this or that direction or if it is just a flight of fancy. That’s how we find out what our real, deep-down passions are. Trying failing, finding out, succeeding, getting bored… “no that’s not it either”… and then finding that CENTER that seems to stick.

If you can only find a couple of people to share your passions and deep motivations with, then a few people it will be. Patience and a slow build help you discern whether (and how much) you can meaningfully share. It can be a little lonely at times, but the loneliness of simply passing by your deepest talents and desires is far greater: The loneliness of crowds and no-true-self is worse than the loneliness of aloneness with a developing passion.

Take your gurus where you can find them. All mine are dead— Nietzsche, Oswald Chambers, Tolstoy, Simone Weil. This does not stop me from expressing gratitude. Imbibe the nectar of wisdom no matter where it comes from.

Uniting the Golden Man and Golden Woman

I talk in my book, The Spiritually Confident Man, about the wonder and necessity of POLARITY, the masculine assertive principle and the feminine receptive principle. A healthy person has both. A healthy relationship has both. Such a relationship is truly equal in RESPECT but rich in diverse energies of giving, sharing, supporting, challenging, and growing. The feminine and masculine principles, the Golden Woman and the Golden Man, should be married in the individual and between individuals.

These polar energies interdepend to produce creativity, the most sacred activity a human can engage, and support love, the highest form of creativity. If we dissolve ourselves into a fantasy of who we SHOULD be according to some static image, we lose our authenticity and we lose authentic relationship. Our spirituality evaporates and we become trapped in a world of prediction, control, and power. The nihilistic sell-out to the conventional world and popular desires is no substitute for the more adventurous and risky creative freedom to go beyond manufactured desire.

Freedom is not license to do whatever you superficially desire nor the libertine impulse to “want it all”. Wanting the deeper you and the deeper you of the sacred other is the secret to a joyous life. It may not always be “happy-slappy”, and you may miss out on a Caribbean cruise or two, but you will travel much further and deeper in the metaphysical and spiritual space with love, creativity, equality, reciprocity, and authenticity as your guide.

All blessings, Zeus