The Trap of "i do" and the Freedom of "I Am"

You don't need to be accomplished in the world to "be" a valuable person

“Life itself is desireless. But the false self wants to continue— pleasantly. Therefore, it is always engaged in ensuring its continuity. Life is unafraid and free. As long as you have the idea of influencing events, liberation is not for you— the very notion of doership, of being a cause, is bondage.”— Nisargadatta Maharaj, Indian guru of non-duality, p. 261, I Am That

“Thus, you can say, “Spiritual Bondage” consists of the entanglement of the soul in the web of worldly illusions. Spiritual bondage manifests when people start to believe that they are nothing more than the body and mind, ignoring the vast expanse of their spiritual potential.”— Manorama Thea DAlvia

There is a lot to unpack here, especially as Western culture tends to “pack in” and “pack on” notions of individual value that center on being a cause agent, or “accomplishing a successful life” (along with a “bucket list” of things to TO DO before you die). This is the realm of “i do” (small “i’), fulfilling your small i’s ostensible desires (programmed by society’s notions of value), stoking your small i’s psychological fears of missing out, and abandoning spiritual faith in favor of gratuitous self-idolatry and other-control. Neglected in this orgy of self is the goodness, wiseness, and power of things larger than your limited “i” self.

Yet, you remain a largely undiscovered Child of God, a scion of an unimaginably vast and deep universe! What can you ultimately do to exceed that?

Doing can never replace or exceed being

The small “s” self (what some spiritual teachers call the “false”, “illusory,” “egoic”, or “lower” self) is all about doing— achievement, professional “success,” competitive awards and winning, social reputation and status, accumulation of money and material goods. It has no time for the “waste” and apparent inaction of simply being. “Don’t just sit there… DO something!”

But let’s look closely at where this neurotic drive toward doing proceeds from. Aren’t all these accomplishments simply mini-attempts to be one’s own God? “Aha, I will create my tiny universe in “my” corner of the galaxy and dub it success!” “Success” according to what? No one will long remember you or a single thing you do… except… what? Except, love, kindness, compassion, courage, connecting with them as a deep being beyond what they can do for you! We are brought back to being!

Here is the ironic catch: If you succeed at “DOING your own thing (i.e. “saving yourself”) you fail at deeply “BEING” saved. Conversely, when you fail at “glorifying yourself” (or succeed but find self-glorification empty), you are broken of the world and opened to spirit. The “light of the heart” is awakened from slumber, and the vigor of the body and mind gives way to the patient wisdom of the spirit. The failure of “small ‘i’ doing” is necessary to become free and enter the kingdom of heaven.

Many Christians think they can, simply enter heaven on the basis of their own belief efforts, intellectual choices, and emotional feelings profess. They believe, if they confess Jesus Christ as their “personal Lord and Savior,” they have a one-way ticket to heaven. Other religions have elaborate practices that supposedly bring their adherents closer to God and guarantee salvation. But without a rebirth into “I am” beyond all doing, I am brought only closer to my idea of God and farther away from God’s actual being.

Are you just saying, “Do nothing?”

No. Strenuous individual faithful efforts do play a role— to shed the notion that the small “i” can achieve my own freedom and salvation. Committed, sincere effort to reach God, can sharpen the desire to CONNECT with God at any cost. This “cost” , eventually involves forfeiting one’s own efforts in favor of opening and allowing God to reach you through your own spirit. This desire to reach God through effort is called the “exoteric” approach, and the willingness to let God or Spirit reach you is the “esoteric” alternative. Ultimately they work together like yang and yin, assertion and reception.

I believe that any sincere spiritual attempts, even those that are misguided and beset by ignorance, are noble as long as they proceed from true intention and integrity. (This disallows sexual abuse by so-called spiritual gurus or priests, for instance.) However, intention and effect are two different things! The purpose of doing “spiritually” is to EXPOSE to you that you cannot do this on your own! It leads to the FALLING AWAY of the illusion of individual spiritual self-sufficiency.

Your efforts can NEVER save you or bring you into the heart of God! God or Spirit must be born anew in your very center, allowing a seed of grace to sprout and the husks of compensatory activity to fall away as it RISES inexorably to the metaphorical sun above the ground of worldly being.

Hope is a working metaphysical reality, not a pipe dream

It is funny that when you look at the Greek root word for “hope” (elpis) in the Bible, it comes up with “expectation, trust, confidence”, the exact OPPOSITE of how we commonly use it in modern English (i.e. “I really “hope” I am able to get that job. Chances aren’t great, but I am crossing my fingers.”) That is exoteric hope: “i” am hoping to accomplish something for me. Esoteric hope is the conviction, confidence, and spiritual expectation that BOTH getting this job or NOT getting this job will lead to better things. Both provide me with god-given challenges and supports for spiritual development.

“i do” is a way to construct and uphold “i am” (small “i” self— attached to the body and the world and a victim to constructed images, illusions, social approvals). “i am” is HOPELESS, that is, it is forever without confidence, expectation, trust, or ultimate victory, because it ALWAYS eventually fails, just as the body itself fails and dissolves, just as social norms and forms fail, die, and change. When we let go of the illusion of the small “i” self, identified with the world and the clutter of accumulated vanities, we become free.

Again Nisgardatta: (I will translate his “I am” as my “i am” because they refer to the same thing— the false, small “i” self):

You have put so much energy into building a prison for yourself. Now spend as much on demolishing it. In fact, demolition is easy, for the false dissolves when it is discovered. All hangs on the idea [“i am”]. Examine it very thoroughly. It lies at the root of every trouble. It is a sort of skin that separates you from reality… It created an illusion of separation where there was none. It made you a stranger in your own world and made the world alien and inimical. (p. 261, I Am That)

Reality does not need to continue— knowing itself to be indestructible, it is indifferent to the destruction of forms and expressions. To strengthen and stabilize the [“i am”] we do all sorts of things— all in vain for the [“i am”] is being built from moment to moment. It is unceasing work and the only radical solution is to dissolve the separative self of [“i am] such-and-such person” once and for all. Being remains but not self-being. (p. 262, I Am That)

I don’t think most Christians understand the biblical passage where Jesus says: “I am the Way and the Truth and the Life” (John 14:6). Jesus does not mean, “Bow down to me,” but rather bow to the great I Am in YOUR HEART, the divine spirit in all humanity that Jesus sought to demonstrate and make real to the EYES of the people of his time. Whether, you are giving yourself to Jesus Christ or Buddha (or some other source of higher love, eternal knowledge, and divine power), “I Am” (and the hope it embodies) should NOT be a signifier of worldly attachment or identity but rather a mantra connecting you to your root infinite being and re-connecting you with the spiritual nature and essence of your being.

Conclusion: “I Am” and “I Do” should enlarge and uplift “i am” and “i do”

There is a larger, deeper kind of doing with a capital “D” that proceeds from and works well WITH the larger, deeper “I” (expanded, genuine, unseparated spiritual self). You will notice this kind of “doing” is mostly about NOT doing the things that get in the way of spirit’s dominion in your life (deception, distraction, destruction, etc.) AND actively following Spirit’s promptings through in the world, i.e. recognizing, accepting, cultivating, and realizing the leadership of spirit in your life. As one good example, I would look to the Beatitudes (Blessings) from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:3 -12:

³Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the Earth.
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called the Sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
¹¹Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
¹²Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you...

You find this larger “I Do” also in the discussion of Love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV):

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

So there is a simple lesson and distinction here to take home and practice. The small (and petty) “i do” (i.e., what can get the small “i am” more peak experiences, money, pleasure, and sex) has a certain distinct feel to it. It proceeds from a delusion that “i” “get” life and command life, rather than I Am to interact with LIFE, let Spirit lead me, and contribute my genuine Love to life. Higher “Doing” in concert with higher “Being” allows me to dedicate myself to truly unconditional and unconditioned giving from my heart and soul (“I Do”), and not merely my mind and body (“i do”).

This higher “I Do” (“Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”) involves things that feel like a defeat, surrender or undoing of things: becoming vulnerable, admitting error, asking for forgiveness, letting go of an expectation, melting at the sight of another’s need or suffering, choosing to leave a battlefield and let God take care of the results, reflecting, meditating, contemplating, well, you get the point. Notice all of these “activities are more about voluntary “opening and receiving” rather than compulsive assuming, asserting, or exerting.

In spirit, you don’t steel yourself against the winter wind, but let it blow effortlessly through you, knowing and loving its informing influence. “I Do” does not cave to a personality disordered or abusive spouse, nor does it try to react and fight perceived attacks in order to “win”, but rather prays for the other person and stands in the light of truth, and non-violently and non-reactively refuses to participate in any kind of emotional theater, physical intimidation, or psychological manipulation. This is faith WITHOUT control of outcome. This is simple but not easy stuff.

The small “i am”, having its pretensions exposed and insufficiencies revealed, simply needs to surrender to the big “I Am” Who will guide my life and evaluate my options? I Am DOES with equanimity, peace, patience, endurance, integrity, courage, compassion, creativity. The corrupting tools of power and presumption for the small “i am” fall away— pride, gluttony, greed, envy, anger, and sloth. By ceding its leadership role, while admitting vulnerability and need, the egoic, small “i am”, does not die, but finds a new purpose much more suited for it. Its wounded child can finally come to peace, free of having to prove or defend itself.

All blessings, Zeus