Self-Respect: The Cornerstone of Spiritual Confidence
If you don't love and respect yourself and put your spirit first, how can you love and respect others?
Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.
― Author-Poet Aberjhani, Journey through the Power of the Rainbow: Quotations from a Life Made Out of Poetry
Your spirit is “the gold on both ends,” for you were born from spirit and to spirit you shall return, and in this middle called LIFE, hopefully with the help of spirit, you will create a radiant, multi-colored courageous, compassionate, and creative arch.
Self-respect is ultimately the respect of one’s soul and spirit. What is your spirit asking you to do, even when others ask differently? What does it pull you toward, even when the world is going a very different direction? What does your heart communicate to you, even as others (even well-intentioned others) are distracting you or even putting down your deepest spiritual directions and desires? Will you hear what your heart is saying, and will you heed it?
You WILL listen to these deeper promptings and questions if you have deep self-respect, which is respect of the spirit and soul. You will find the right balance between heart and mind, spirit and world, and the right ordering of obligations, opportunities, and relationships, from this truer spiritually-grounded self.
“To thine own self be true”
“Well, how do I really know what my ‘true self’ is?”
Your true self is that which you at the end of day, cannot NOT be, that which you at a deep level WANT to experience and become, regardless of its sense to others. In philosophy this is called one’s soul purpose or “telos,” much like an acorn’s telos is to become and oak. Telos, and the self-respect, clarity, and courage to recognize and heed one’s telos is one of the great spiritual challenges and adventures of any human life.
“Well, won’t I be selfish? Putting myself ‘first’ seems very ego-centered. Isn’t it more ‘spiritual’ to put others first?”
This confusion and conflict come out of a fundamental misunderstanding of self-respect. One puts one’s spirit first, SO THAT one may most deeply and authentically serve others! How many of us have had the experience of volunteering for a “charitable” organization, only to see that it is wasting money (and our well-intended efforts) on things that are not central to the claimed mission? Why does this happen? I would maintain that such a falling away from service happens when one does not have a committed grounding in one’s spirit. Without that commitment there is no possibility of true devotion and empathy for others. If you do not honor who you most deeply are, then how can you connect with others and serve them at their deepest levels?
“Won’t I be putting myself above others, and be looking down on them?”
In true self-respect, everyone are God’s children, starting with you. It is a radically horizontal reality. AS HUMAN BEINGS there is no person greater than or less than yourself, and there never can be. Sure, there are many greater or lesser in accomplishment, discipline, and fortune, but you are the only “you” in the universe, and you have a unique divine genius to be responsible to. It is that genius, carried by the soul, that you are asked to uniquely bring into the world. In some strong sense, nothing else matters. What greater gift can you offer? Can this gift of spirit, relayed through passion, talent, and love really be compared up or down to that of others? It cannot. Therefore, rejoice in your non-comparable genius, and delight in its development and contribution.
What does spiritual self-respect look like in the real world?
Take any issue or deep engagement. What does spiritual self-respect look like?
“A married man has expressed interest in me, and I am really attracted to him. There is real energy, and (I think) love between us. What should I do?”
A moralistic reply would be, “Stay away… Run!”. A romanticized reply might be, “Well, do you feel he is your soulmate?” The spiritually self-respecting response involves simply asking the question, “Do I respect myself enough to recognize my attraction, but put my integrity first?” “Am I willing to be pulled into a narrative where I will be a ‘side-piece’ or do I require a respect from others that matches my respect for myself? Self-respect says, “There is attraction, and that is real, but there is not the virtuous container for that attraction. I wish you luck and offer a prayer of support for you in making your own self-respecting decision to get real with your present partner.”
“After Covid, I find myself in such a state of personal insecurity, anxiety, and uncertainty. The world has been turned upside down! People are acting crazy! How do make sense of all this? How can I have a basis for self-respect, when it is hard to even know my self amid all this turmoil?”
This is a common response to dramatic exterior change. We have been taught to gauge and mold ourselves around exterior variables like social approval, community norms, and family obligations, among others. But how many times have we been invited to QUESTION not only these demands but identify, explore, and question our own deeper needs? Not so much!
This deeper questioning is a surprisingly simple and practical spiritual craft. Though it is not often taught, it can be learned, as one develops recognition of, appreciation for, and faith within partnership with one’s soul and spirit. Why not take a few simple steps?: Sign up to subscribe to this “Spiritually Confident” Substack, if you have not already (and use the questions here to start a conversation with friends). Consider supporting it with a paid subscription. Offer your own example or challenge in the comments below.
“I really want to do something different with my life. My present job is okay, but I can’t help thinking there is something more that I should be doing. I am not sure exactly what this is, but it keeps tugging me.”
Spiritual confidence and self-respect simply prompt, “Be real and look into this!” Why be whipped about by emotions around consequential issues like life purpose and choice? Speak to someone that might help you discern. Ask yourself deeply what your own deep questions are. Pray and meditate over those deep questions and begin to trust your deeper intuitions when it comes up with answers and clues, even if they are partial or fragmentary. “Seek and ye shall find.” How these answers might fit into your current commitments is a separate issue. Do not allow pragmatism to guide self-inquiry and self-respect. Allow the heart to speak. Do not allow the head with it’s bossiness and insecurity, rule the heart. Let the head serve the heart and the heart serve the spirit.
If you don’t know how to have this nuanced, spiritual, and practical conversation between the spirit, heart, and head, I invite you to send me an email to spirituallyconfident@gmail.com for spiritual counseling. I can assess the essential questions in a free 15-minute one-on-one, and then later sessions if that seems right to you. The main thing is to BEGIN the journey of self-respect through self-inquiry into the deeper, more spiritually based parts of you.
OR feel free to pose a question or challenge you are experiencing in life in the comment section below, and I will endeavor to answer every question. This can be helpful for other readers as well as you. As a community of spirits, it is wise to “crowdsource” our wisdom as well!
Be well!